Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Conspiracy Theory of the day

Ok, I ranted the following conspiracy theory off the top of my head yesterday, and then polished it a little last night.

It all started when I saw this factoid in the trailers for "The Day After Tomorrow":


Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen became the youngest producers in Hollywood history at the age of six.


Okay, the Olsen twins are lazy evil geniuses. They've been producing films since the age of six. I believe the first was this. At the age of six, they understood the business of Hollywood well enough to put together a plan of action, stick with it, and make themselves multi-millionaires. They envisioned a huge, easily-tapped market ready for exploitation: girls in their own age group. So they started making tons of direct-to-video/made-for-TV movies, one after another, knowing that undiscerning little girls would clamor for these, and that naive parents would purchase them for their clamoring little girls. I mean, what's more wholesome than the Olsen twins? Their sitcom father was a germophobe, for Pete's sake!

Now, since the clamoring little girls are undiscerning, there's no need to make movies of high quality, but rather movies in high quantity. Check out this, this, this, this, and this, for example -- there are tons more where those came from. Every once in a while, sneak into a feature film, or do a cameo. And here's where the plan really gets insidious -- since the clamoring little girls are being fed a steady diet of Mary-Kate and Ashley pap, they never build up the proper movie criticism skills to discern good movies from bad. So, although most of the country thinks of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as lacking in talent, they don't care. They have their brainwashedly loyal segment of the population. In actuality, they're very talented -- they're Lazy. Evil. Geniuses. Geniuses, of course, because of the audacity and success of their scheme, conceived and initiated by the two at the age of six. Evil, because of their lack of scruples in releasing their abominably bad movies to the public. And lazy, because they haven't put their genius to a better (or worse) use -- such as planning to take over the world. I mean, you can say a lot of things about The Brain, but at least he's got big dreams.

UPDATE: MSNBC follows up on the story here. The Big Media is getting in on the story! Key quote:


Over the years, the Olsens did not crash and burn as we expected them to -- though there's still time, as the tabloids remind us weekly with headlines like "Olsens X-Posed!" They did not enter rehab or get married in Las Vegas or star in a series of god-awful movies intended to get their careers back on track. Instead, they starred in a series of god-awful movies that bypassed theaters and went straight to video, bought and beloved by young girls everywhere. These young girls then went out and bought the Olsens' clothing and makeup and stationery and backpacks, making the twins rich. They named their brand mary-kateandashley -- one word, say it fast, the way little girls do -- and this year it and the rest of Empire Olsen are projected to do $1.2 billion in sales.

1 comment:

FootSoldier said...

YAY you posted the theory!

*dances*